The Turning
The road has been blocked
Yes I can push my way through.. continue on..
But the road has been blocked
It’s no good.. trodden, cracked, deep holes, old gravel
Too many boots of too many struggling men have traveled
I stand knowing I must stop trudging foot bound to earth and fly
The turning has arrived
The abuse of my expression and my well lived ‘blood to paper’ with pen
must end
The proving ground that i have pounded down to sharp edged stones
cutting me, bleeding me…
I must step away from and begin
The wingspan of my soul stretches miles on either side
My heart is gushing overflow through my old worn out clothes
Jump my girl… jump my fully fleshed out friend
Fear of the unknown flight, fear of the unknown road,
Fear of not knowing what to do, how to control
The options hold no life
Take one step into the unknown and fly
(c) 2012 (5/6/12) Cee Cee James
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Little Did I Know…
Little did I know.. when we were just little..
Just little girls running around, playing,
getting into mischief with your beyond irritating ways
sneaking into my room, stealing my things, causing constant upsets with your bold incessant need for the attention and love you were deprived of when you were just a sweet little baby dove…
little did I know… that my complete and utter irritation of you would turn into the deepest heartbreaking compassion that a woman can attain.
Little did I know as I moved away from our family at 17 years of age, and stayed as aloof and as distant as I could, doing my ‘thing’ in life, hearing stories of your continued rebellion as you went from the halfway houses to the streets, disappearing for weeks at only 15… little did I know about the tears you would wring from my opened eyes… as my soul began to cry for your life as you lay 25 years later about to die… from your now finished dance with meth.
But you lived… compromised as you are… your precious health hanging on by those 9 lives you seem to have. Doing your dance, in the palm of God’s hand…those many years as you romanced the Angel of death.
Horrifying to you now as you look back… your guilt ridden heart ashamed of your sickened need.. placed above the love for your children… placed above the love for anything.. your suffocated soul barely alive as you continually chose the black alleyways toward oblivion.
Little did I know.. nor could I have ever imagined, even if someone had said.. “someday you know… you will feel differently,” little did I know that you would become my Hero as you stood at the crossroads of your desperate, addiction ridden life and turned yourself ‘right.’ Shaking, weak… gray, and long emptied of your sweet vibrance.. you turned away from the handout.. the next injection, the next hit of poisonous venom.. Crying out God’s name, the snake backed down and slithered away…
When I heard the news, I was ashamed. Ashamed of my pride.. that I had done life ‘right.’ The ‘perfect’ one.. the one who was always praised from our Mothers pride and Love, for all the perfect things I did and had done. Your room always messy and mine always organized and clean… I was Mother’s little helper and you were Mother’s sharp thorn and wicked little demon.
And now… you are my biggest Hero… your life a book of stunning honesty as you leapt into the snakepit unaware of the danger and yet somewhere deep inside, in that unconscious plan… totally aware that this was the thing that would bring you to your knees.
The immense ‘suffering’ one must sometimes endure/take on… to find our way home to love.. the truest purest love.. born from the broken cages of our puffed up walls of self.
Little did I know that your suffering would help to take mine down. Oh… little did I know.
(c) 2012 Christina James
(1/3/12)
“A tumbleweed is the above-ground part of a plant that, once mature and dry, disengages from the root and tumbles away in the wind. It has come to represent locations that are desolate, dry, and often humorless, with few or no occupants.” -Wikipedia
Tumbleweeds We Be – (2011 Recapped)
In late 2010 we tumbled away from the moist rich green of Washington
Blown East into Tennessee by a hot empty wind
That promised promises upon our Star on the rise
Rolling into the big mirage of surface and shine,
Our thirsty souls and aching hearts were left still dry
Confusion welled up like a flood and anger filled the blood
While revenge screamed fantasies of vengeance held back by only Love
Coyote howled during the sweltering nights
As the Moon filled our shadows with light
Tears cleansing my soul, giving insight
We took the ‘shaft’ that had been given and kept on rollin’
As a wind of warmth came up and blew us gently North
Into Saint Louis we found our tribe
Cheering for our Star on the rise!
How magical and mystical the path
Being worked like puppets from some unknown loving hand
Blown like Tumbleweeds across the land…
Blown like Tumbleweeds across the land
2011 New Years Eve – Cee Cee James
In 7 hours I will be 53 years old. How bold I should post my age – being an entertainer and all – and on top of that a Woman! My Mother was 28 for as long as I can remember and I think she still is! How shameful and dis-respectful it is that society has caused us to be afraid of getting older.. of looking older.. of being proud of our years of life.. experiences.. the lessons from our pain. Keeping us ‘quiet’ and hidden away.. “those old wrinkly, grey, bag of bones types… how horrible to look upon!!!”
How bold that I should be proud of my years.. how I’ve grown into who I really am. How I love who I have become, and ‘am’ becoming. How I love to just ‘be’ without men gawking at me and women staring me down for whatever reason women stare one another down!!! At 53 and fully blooming into this huge heart of mine, I can just ‘be’ me. What a huge, gigantic, enormous RELIEF!!!
Fifty-three years ago when I was finally forced out of my Mother’s womb.. (as I did not want to come out); I was just ‘me,’ an innocent, sweet, loving, wide eyed, little curly haired baby. Slowly I became what was around me. Slowly I became afraid that no one would love me unless I was popular and beautiful like the other girls in school or like the models in magazines or like the naked women in men’s magazines… or like any girl who I noticed men gawking at. I felt like I could be all of them, if just given the chance! I could be thin enough, beautiful enough, perfect enough, big breasted enough, small hipped enough, sexual enough, I could do it all and more, if just given the chance and then I would be worthy of the worlds love. Oh what a long journey I was in for.
In talking with my precious husband Rob this evening.. after we had a wonderful, loving Birthday/Thanksgiving feast at Cracker Barrel with some dear friends, I came to the realization that ‘love’ has singlehandedly healed me. The purest, most honest, most giving magic we have in this Universe – Love.
For years and years and years, love was withheld from me. Every direction I turned, every person I tried to get love from, and every situation I put myself in searching for love.. love was withheld. Oh, it seemed like love for awhile with this person or in this or that situation.. but it was because the love I was seeking was dependent upon my ‘pleasing’ someone else. My becoming what ‘they’ wanted me to be. It was not dependent upon me just being me. The truth was I didn’t know how to just be me. I didn’t know who ‘me’ was.
It seems that God or the Universe or magic or whatever you may prefer to call it, at times uses what we are most afraid of, our deepest fears, our biggest hatred, etc., to bring us to our knees in hunger, prayer, desperation, shame, guilt, anger or whatever will DRIVE US INWARD to our deepest selves. In my case this was the fear of gaining weight.. of being imperfect.. of not being thin enough or perfect enough to be loved.
My Mother had and still has a hard core sugar addiction. This she passed directly along to her first born, me. I kept the demon at bay for 45 years with diets of all types, excessive exercise, etc., etc. but at times, my weight would increase to the point of hiding in my bedroom when company came over.. or standing in the bathroom crying because I could not put on my jeans and had nothing else to wear because I had thrown out all my ‘big’ clothes the LAST time I had lost weight.
Now many of you know me personally and I’m sure you do not think of me as obese and many of you would even say that you don’t think I’m heavy at all.. but that is not the point. The point is that the young insecure needy Christina who was desperate to prove that she could be loved by being what the world seemed to want.. a perfect, thin, beautiful, model type, big breasted, sexual, ‘do anything you want’ girl, knew she was not any of those things and with each binge on sugar and each pound gained she felt she was further and further and further away from what she really deeply wanted… to be loved, adored, cherished.
It seems the ‘sugar addiction’ had no plans to let me go until I got the message. It seems that God had no plans to help me out of my black hole of loneliness until I GOT the message. It seems that the powers that be had found a way to show me what love was truly about which had nothing what-so-ever, in this world or any other world that has ever been, to do with perfection of ones body or outer image, or how one could fit into those skinny jeans or how big ones breasts are or how clear ones skin is. NOTHING WHAT-SO-EVER. This addiction problem of mine was not going to unwrap its seemingly wicked hands from around my existence until I would allow myself to be loved just as I was.
In 2000 when I still wasn’t perfect, but desperately and achingly lonely, and deeply hungry for touch, love began to snoop around me in the form of a man who saw past my seemingly imperfect outer form. It was in an American Indian Sweat Lodge Ceremony, and he later told me the first thing he noticed was my humility because I had dressed very conservative for the lodge, not baring my body like some of the others in the lodge. I didn’t tell him it was because I was ashamed of myself and hiding in big clothes. He also told me he noticed my shoulder. He also heard the passion in my voice as I sang out my tears of frustration.
This man was the first man to become the lover of my heart. My heart. Me. Just ‘me.’ Not expecting thin thighs or huge breasts or vogue clothing or perfect skin. This was the first man to ‘love’ me – who laid me back and loved ‘me.’ I didn’t have to put on a dog and pony show proving to him I could be the best lover by working so hard to please him.. he taught me to lay back and let myself be loved. Let my soul be loved. In my completely so-called imperfect state, someone loved ‘me.’ The real me. Not because of anything but ‘me.’ Me!
During this delicious and scary time of discovery of my true self.. love also pushed me into a new direction in my music career. I had written, recorded and released the ‘perfect’ ‘Spiritually Wet’ CD which has glossy perfect images of me posing sexually on the cover and interior and which was a desperate attempt on my part to get Hollywood to pay attention to me – to try and fit into their box of perfect images and glorious glamour. I was lieing about my age and trying to starve myself so that when my big moment came.. you know.. when the big major label called me in to their offices I’d be ready. I even began to think of how to get a fake ID with a younger age on it. I lived in fear that I would not be accepted and hence would never get to prove to the world that I was good enough to be loved.
Hiking on Cowels Mountain in Jamul, CA – outside of San Diego one quiet afternoon, I began to hear Stevie Ray Vaughan talk to me. Crazy? Well yes, I suppose so… BUT I cannot discount the messenger.. maybe it was me talking to myself but at the time it sounded like Stevie Ray’s voice and he said “Go back to your roots Girl! Go back to what you do best.. the Blues.’
I immediately felt an immense sense of relief realizing I wouldn’t have to lie about my age anymore!!! I wouldn’t have to starve myself bone thin to to sing the blues!!! I could just be who I was! I could just be raw and real and not have to be anything I wasn’t to fit some perfect image of society!!! It was like the sky opened up and rained FREEDOM down upon me.
The journey from those moments with the ‘first true lover of my heart’ and then Stevie’s message to me on the mountain, to now, has been quite a long one fraught with many more challenges that have pushed me further and further and further into the arms of love.
I lost that first true love to cancer but I gained another. Through his tender unconditional love of ‘me’ I have been freed to fly. And fly I have into the thousands of hearts of my fans who love me for just ‘me.’ I could have never known in a million years that people would love me in my most imperfect state to date. I have never been so imperfect in my life and I have never been so loved in my life.
How long would I have gone hungry, starving, lieing about my age, aching for love, never finding ‘me’ if it wasn’t for my addiction driving me to eat myself into states of imperfection and forcing me to find love regardless of how I looked. Ha Ha!!! It’s God’s joke on me!! Chasing me down with the thing I feared most… being overweight and unlovable. Shamed into hiding and never feeling good enough to sing my guts out till I’m raw from giving every last ounce of myself to you like I do now. Fearing you’d think I was ugly and fat and gross and how could anyone stand it.
Oh God!!! How very sad I was.. that young girl who had no idea that love was making her reach for its most precious prize with her soul and not with her body or societies illusions of what it takes to be loved, accepted, appreciated, seen, heard.
Within a few hours I will be fifty-three years old. Not thin, not perfect, not voguish, not model type, not coifed. Just a raw, real, and vulnerable REAL Woman who has tasted and devoured love WITHOUT CONDITIONS, who now sings her FREED soul up to the heavens.. sings her OPENED heart into her people… who BRAVES to go past skin into the deepest places of humanities ache… who breathes fire and weaves love.
Oh yes… that’s ‘me.’ Finally. Oh my goodness people…. finally.
Bone Poets Orchestra is a fantastic group of genius musical artists out of the Seattle, WA area. I was tuned into them by Dan Mohler, our Seattle based Bassist and dear friend. I was slow to realize the wondrous magic of their music and lyrics which has seeped into my blood drip by drip and now has turned into a roaring dance of life – my life! How did they know? How did they know my thoughts, feelings, and deep thoughts about this road we are all on? How do all artists know such things as they tap our ears with their rhythms and fill our bodies with their wings of flight for which we have no words? Well, to put it bluntly, that is why they are artists and that is why we need every last one of them especially now with the way the world is turning and spinning and looking for its way.
ENJOY!!!!
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* A paragraph from the insert of their latest work BELLADONNA SMILES:
“STANDING on the seductive cliff edge, playing with our brains, we stare into the sun a bit too long and are blind for awhile. It’s a cheaper lesson than it could be – Belladonna stands there next to us, wondering if we’ll fall or fly…and we just step back a bit and go on, reminded that there are things that matter, things that have nothing to do with the cliff edge. Living is a transformative experience; summer camp is temporary. The stuff that matters is here, now, in the ground of our being. A reliance on truth, on the casting off of delusions.”
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* A printed lyric listed below from one of my favorite songs on BELLADONNA SMILES:
PENNIES FOR OUR EYES (Track 9)
Another dollar, another day, forced to waste the hours away
But doing time collecting our pay, never cured the broken hearted
Who among us wrote the rule, that makes a human being a tool
When like good money and its fool, we all will soon be parted? Oh….
Bankers live and bankers die, by usury that bleeds us dry
They’ll have us working all our lives just to spur the boatman’s labors
Loan us dollars loan us dimes, we’ll surely pay you back sometime
Loan us pennies for our eyes oh will you undertaker? Oh…
On and on, life is long
How to hold on tight when it’s bittersweet
On and on, but when it’s gone, it isn’t long at all
On and on, life is long
Learn to love and learn how to keep your feet
On and on, but when it’s gone, it isn’t long at all
But it’s lonely on your way………
It’s lonely on the way
It’s lonley on the way
It’s lonely on the way
It’s lonley on the way
It’s lonley on the way………..
A begger offered a wealthy man, a wizend apple from his hand
Who’s the poor one man for man – both are caught in history
One has money, one has time, both can say “All this is mine”
Gentle, vicious, cruel or kind life if full of mystery
On and on, life is long
How to hold on tight when it’s bittersweet
On and on, but when it’s gone, it isn’t long at all
On and on, life is long
Learn to love and learn how to keep your feet
On and on, but when it’s gone, it isn’t long at all… Whoa.. yah… a…
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* CLICK to Listen PENNIES FOR OUR EYES:
http://www.bonepoets.com/09_Bone_Poets_Orchestra_Pennies_
for_Our_Eyes.mp3
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* And finally you can find out more about the BONE POETS ORCHESTRA AND take a listen to all the songs on BELLADONNA SMILES here:
http://www.bonepoets.com/listen.html
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Thank you Christopher Bingham – Composer, Sue Tinney – Vocals, and the rest of your cast of characters for sharing your wonderful souls and truths with us through the making and giving of your music.
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Please share your contemplations, thoughts and feelings on this song and it’s inherent wisdom and truth! 
I decided to write this Journal Post since I have so many fans who were pulling for me and explain what happened.
I was told “Come prepared with your three strongest songs (preferably covers but you may do an original.)”
But they could not be over 3 minutes. If they were, they would fade them during my audition.
So I took the boys into the studio and recorded three 3-minute versions of House of the Blues by Luther Allison, Nutbush City Limits by Tina Tuner and Use Me by Bill Withers.
Five days before my audition I rec’d another email with slightly different instructions:
Please prepare three songs for your audition, two must be recognizable covers, and one being from the last 5 – 10 years. You may perform an original but we will want to hear your covers first..
So I wrote to them immediately and told them what covers I had chosen to do. Since none of the songs were from the last 10 years, I had to throw one out and find one that was in the last 10 years quickly and find a Karaoke tape or download. So I spent 3 hours that morning quickly scrambling and came up with Adele’s Lovesong which was originally recorded by The Cure.
So I spent the rest of the week learning the tune and most importantly making it my own… putting my own style and feel into it.
So I get to the audition and I was greeted by two men at a desk with not one hint of a smile or friendliness on their faces. I’m sure they knew why I came in but one ask very sharply – “Can I help you?” So I figured it was a test to see if i could overcome rudeness so I remained cheerful and gave him what he wanted which was my I.D. and he signed me in and and I went to the next desk where the girl was very nice and processed me through to a long dark hallway where we sat on chairs waiting for our time.
I finally was called in and they ask how I was and I said I was nervous!!! They said ‘don’t be nervous, just have a good time!’ So I got up there and they said for me to say my name and my age into the camera and then to keep my eyes on the camera while performing. (Why did they ask for my age at this early stage, if they didn’t care about age and only how well you sing?) Then a young LA-ish type girl who was the Producer (I assume) said..
Producer: “What song are you going to do?”
Cee Cee: “Do I get to do all three?”
Producer: “Maybe not! So what song would you choose if you only got one?”
Cee Cee: “House of the Blues”
So I sang the song and I felt I did a really good job – and 4 of the people sitting in front of me whose age ranges were all over the board, said “Very good! That was great!”
Then the young woman who was short and curt with me – whom I’m thinking was the producer, said ‘That will be all, thank you.”
And I was sent out of the room.
Now I knew that if they wanted me to continue on, they would interview me privately and have me fill out a bunch of paperwork.
So I was kind of in shock. I felt shorted. I felt I was mis-lead about being able to showcase with 3 songs.
I don’t know whether I should have sang the Adele song which was more contemporary – if I made a mistake when I chose ‘House of the Blues;’ whether she just didn’t like me from the moment she saw me; whether age was a factor (they say it isn’t but who really knows because truly how many older people were on the 1st season?); I truly have no idea what I did wrong! Maybe I had the wrong body type or didn’t dress the part.. I mean I’m just lost on what it could be. Or maybe they just don’t GET the BLUES! I mean I’m not trying to flatter myself here.. but I didn’t hit any bad notes or sing out of time.. I gave it my full feel… I looked into the camera like they said and gave them the feel of the tune.. which was agnst and sadness about lost love…
I was so disappointed I didn’t get to sing the 3 tunes, as I had planned it out carefully to show different stylings and flavors of my voice and performance abilities.
I was left kind of feeling like something awful exploded in my entire body. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t think straight.. I couldn’t talk or express how I was feeling.. I couldn’t even drive down the road properly, I felt suffocated. It was a totally negative experience for me. It took me hours to recover and in the middle of that recovery, I rec’d some other bad news which I won’t share here; but, I just about told the studio guy (we had gone in to mix a benefit tune we have recorded for the upcoming 911 remembrance), that I just wanted to leave and go bury my head in my pillows and ask God for the answers to the BLACK CLOUD handing over our heads! In fact it poured on us going home! LOL.. hey at least I’m laughing now.
If you are not accepted or approved by The Voice does that put you in the category of ‘no good?’ Does getting cast aside by Hollywood automatically mean you will never have success?
You know, I gave Hollywood a shot years and years ago with my first CD and I didn’t like it. I had to airbrush my cd cover.. worry about my weight, lie about my age, and play a game of smiling like I was plastic with no feelings. It was a huge battle to try and be perfect!
Why did I even try to do this again? First of all because so many fans felt like I had a shot to get on the show. A few were emailing and begging me to do this. So, based on what I saw on Season One and the fact that they didn’t seem to have an age limit.. I thought ‘what the hell?’ If I can get on even one episode… it would be great for exposure and maybe even help the Blues Community overall get more respect.
But it didn’t happen. So I’m not sure what to say to you all who have really came through with shining colors in all your comments filled with support and love and a belief in me that is beyond what I could ever imagine.
I have worked hard for many many years like many others in this business and I won’t quit now. It’s a love of giving all those things we all feel from the deepest part of our bones, to the surface of our skin.. it’s a love of sharing the vulnerability of life.. of airing the secret transgressions many of us have stumbled into and have become ashamed of.. it’s a love of releasing all of our emotions through music whether you are the performer or the listener.. I was born to do this.. it is my destiny and I will keep on keeping on.
My life has not ended because I didn’t go further on this show. I am shook up but I am getting over it because the world did not end! I still have everything I had before including all of you. I just don’t have the big gold approval badge from Hollywood and you know what.. that’s damn fine with me in the big scope of things. I prayed this morning and all week and I know you all were praying and I said “God, I think it would be great to get that kind of exposure, but if it’s not what’s best for me, then I’m ok with it.”
I just hope you don’t think less of me because I didn’t make it further. I tried… I really tried. That’s all I could do was give it my best shot and I didn’t even really get to do that given the situation. They really didn’t give me the chance.
The good thing is that I know you all will continue to give me the chance to keep bringing you my big heart, soul, blood, guts, and love.
And that is the most wonderful gift I could ever attain.
Thank you so much.
Cee Cee
A stunning poem by my good friend and Indian Elder, Dave Hagstrom. Much food for thought here. Enjoy and please comment.
Buffalo Skull
How long have you lain here hidden in the Sage half covered with Earth in the shadows of the Wolf Mountains? How many Winters have you seen since an Apsaalooka Man thanked you for giving your Life to him so that the People might eat?
Your bone now so cracked and rough…your horns nearly gone and turned brown and scaled in the Winter Snow and Summer Sun.
How many Eagles and Ravens have visited you for a bit of food while it lasted?
How long did the Beetles feed on your offerings that no one else wanted?
How many Mice have made their homes inside you and raised their families here?
How many Meadowlarks have set on your horns singing their Song to Creation?
How many Coyotes have walked by you in the early morning light sniffing you again as if there might be a change in you this time?
I wonder what this Land looked like when your head fell to the ground with red Life running from your nostrils. I wonder if any more of your Buffalo Nation also Sacrificed their Lives that Fall day so that your Apsaalooka Brothers and Sisters could live on this Land another Winter. I wonder how many Sunsets and Sunrises have touched you with their soft colored light.
After all these years, why have you shown yourself to me and not another who would have taken you home to hang on their wall or sell for a few dollars? What have you to tell me….what wisdom will you share with me? I think you should continue your Journey back to the dust of Mother Earth and not go home with me this day. You are needed here more then with me. Others depend on you and live in you….to take you from here would change this land forever.
(c) Dave Hagstrom
crushed
broken
before he even started
weakened by the shortcomings of his father
sleeping under his mamma’s wing
he could imagine and dream
but the damage was immense
and the drink was heaven sent
the beer, the wine and then the whiskey
became his wobbly backbone
his manhoods constant wicked test
he tried and tried, and tried again
each time weaker than the last
trying to become a ‘real man’
but his yearnings got forgotten in the years and years of slurred and hopeless laughter
slowly bending over inside, crumbling
into his broken dreams and rattling chatter
slipping deeper into his wretched disgust
aching to throw his body in front of a truck
thankfully mamma came along one more time again
his wife, his mother, he couldn’t tell
it didn’t matter
a recovery home.. he called it the slammer
and then his heart attack, triple bypass
no more drink, just the drugs
hanging on by one weak rung
he told me he might have cancer of the lungs
some time went by before he died alone
and stayed that way
for 3 days
did his body hover as he watched the playback
of his life up until that final heart attack…
slamming him up against the wall inside his chest?
looking down upon himself in his staggering loss
his precious life eaten away by how much the drink had cost
he had gotten clean and wanted to go home
to his wife, his woman, to that soft place of dreams and sleep
he was ready now to try to be a man as he had forsaken the drink
but the Goddess can be a harsh teacher
and once you loose her you have to find and prove your manhood
to be allowed again to try and reach her
his spirit now tucked up under his angelic mamma’s wing
he curls into himself and his innocent and un-lived manhood weeps
(c) 2011 (6/14/11) – Cee Cee James
A friends death.
Well my dear Fans and passer-by’s.. I have finally begun to update My Blog site. Today I have written the ‘About’ section. If you care to read it..click on the ‘About’ link at the top of this page (if you are on the Blog Site), or click here: http://ceeceejames.wordpress.com/about/
I hope to make “The Muse-ical Musings of Cee Cee James” a heavily interacted Blog site for those of you who enjoy contemplative thought in prose, poetry, and lyrics. I will be posting not only my own lyrics and works of writing art but also other independent artists and writers I am extremely touched by (with their permission of course) and I hope you all interact by opening your hearts sharing how the pieces touch you.
For now check out the ‘About’ link. There’s also a video of one of my songs ‘Done Love Wrong’ which I plan to delve into discussion on very soon.
Big Love..
Cee Cee James
Thought I’d share one of my poems. This one just birthed today. Should I put a book together?
the swirling fan
the sound of the whirling fan in the heat of spring
wakes me up in sweating memories
dripping down the insides of my mind
my heart constricted from another place and time
is it that many years back that I lay
in now such a distant place
waiting day after day after day for your love to break
and drown me in the sweetness of it’s wake?
is it that many years back that the sadness of your walls
drove me to build my own
and revel in my secret passions reaching out to others
to qualm my building storm?
living on the breadcrumbs of your love
behind the facade of a smiling face and the rubber lipped cold lie
that everything was ok
brings massive heartache to my now present state
with the fan swirling up the helpless ghost of myself in those days
it’s fear that re-grips me now in these wee hours of day hidden by the darkness of the leftover night
before the sun comes to push it back down into the corners of its guilt and confusion
how sad my hungered hands felt hanging loosely unable to reach you then… put it back together,
you know… like it was when we smiled
and held tightly onto one another as the ship of our love drifted out to that calm mirage of glistening unruffled sea
a vision of us now laughing, standing on the top of a mountain, the tears streaming down our faces, at the joke our love played on our innocence in those days.. laughing hard… bent over… belly aching from the depths… like an unstoppable insane hyena.. then falling over wailing.. sobbing…moaning… at our loss
the gain of compassion as I look back upon us doing the best we could
the gain of morality as I look back upon my unconscious hungry self
the gain of the unsuspecting self inflicted wound of understanding
as the waves of love tossed us from our flimsily built ship into its depths
yes, the waves of ‘love’
always enticing us into the mirage of a two way mirror into which it forces us to look
in the sudden heat in spring, the heavy air, the swirling fan…
a smothered part of my soul arises to confront me
(c) 2011 Cee Cee James (4/23/11)
